Chapter 25

“If I thought you were disgusting, I couldn’t have lived as your wife for five years. I swear, I’ve never thought that even once.”

I felt pity and sorrow for you. You said it was so hard even to hold a sword, you had to tie it to your hand. I was proud of you for overcoming those limits and achieving all this.

I admired you for possessing such strength and willpower to overcome crises.

You’re a little twisted, but not much different from the boy I loved. I alone nurtured my love for you in such an illusion.

“But now, I’m afraid of you.”

I am terrified of you. You, who talked about killing a child as if it’s nothing, doing unimaginable things so casually.

“Now come.”

Lahart dismissed Iren’s confession with a short scoff and then covered her hand with his own, placing it on her shoulder.

“It was you who told me to embrace another woman first. I just responded. It’s unfair for you to be afraid of me.”

“Me first? Don’t blame me, Duke.”

“Am I blaming you?”

Lahart asked in disbelief. Instead of answering his question, Iren remained silent.

“Think whatever makes you comfortable. Anyway, Iren, let me say it again. Give up on the thought of having a child.”

“So you’re just telling me to give up.”

“Those things aren’t precious anyway.”

No, Lahart. Everything you told me to give up on was precious to me. You wouldn’t understand.

And I won’t give up this time either. Just like how I didn’t give up on the antidote.

“Yes.”

Iren lied. It was the first time she’d ever lied to herself. The first lie didn’t feel as thrilling or as sinful as she thought.

She was just a little tired.

* * *

Early in the morning, Iren woke up consumed in anxiety. Lahart had left at dawn, and the spot beside her was devoid of any warmth.

‘I must leave the ducal mansion quickly, or Lahart will ruin everything.’

Iren closed her eyes, lost in thought.

How can I perfectly fake my death?

I can induce a coma on my own. But what comes after is the problem. I won’t be able to leave the castle by myself.

I need someone to help me. It has to be someone reliable, since failure is not an option.

In this castle, there’s only one person I can trust.

Jane.

‘I have to tell Jane.’

Even if I don’t ask for her help, I plan to tell Jane. She would surely support me. Understand my decision… my wish to run away from him and live with my child.

Iren took Jane down to the basement. She had hardly ever brought Jane to the lab, fearing she might get caught up in strange rumors. Even when she did bring her, she always left Jane outside and never allowed her in.

“Every time I come here, I think the stairs are too high. But, Madam, I get really excited when I go down these stairs.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like I’ve become a friend who shares secrets with you. Oh, I’m being too presumptuous.”

Jane grinned, scrunching up her nose in excitement.

Iren smiled back at her. It felt like it’s been a long time since she had last smiled.

“Come in, my friend Jane.”

“It was a joke. A joke! Wow, so this is what it looks like inside. It’s a bit different from what I imagined. It feels like a library, doesn’t it? It’s so cool, Madam!”

“Is that so?”

“Yes! There are so many tools I’ve never seen before. Is it okay if I ask what this is used for?”

“You’re asking after you’ve already asked. It’s used to extract certain components from herbs. This side is for boiling, and this side is for a slow, cold infusion.”

“The world of herbs is so fascinating.”

Jane wandered around the lab, marveling at everything. Iren watched her with a tender gaze.

“Madam, actually, there was one thing that upset me about you.”

“Upset?”

“Yes. I was really curious about the lab but you never showed it to me. I understood that the lab is an important place and you needed space to be alone, so I didn’t mention it anymore. But I felt so left out because it seemed like you were keeping secrets from me. After all, I tell you everything!”

Iren couldn’t respond with a pure smile as she did before while looking at Jane’s beaming face.

Would it be right to ask for help from a child who could end up imprisoned because of me, falling out of favor with the Duke and the head maid? I wonder if this child will suffer because of my selfishness.

She felt worried and guilty.

But without Jane, she had no way to navigate through this dark forest.

“Give up on the thought of having a child.”

Recalling Lahart’s eerily calm voice sent a chill through her heart.

She firmly grasped her fluttering heart.

“Jane, help me.”

“Yes?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant…? Really?”

Jane’s eyes widened in shock. Iren felt slightly nervous because of Jane’s ambiguous expression.

Would Jane think it absurd? Me having and raising a child. If so, it would be unbearable. I might just collapse rather than move forward.

If I’m the only one in this world who wants this child…

“What to do… This is such happy news! You’re having a baby…!”

Just before Iren was swallowed by deep sorrow and despair, Jane hugged her tightly. Joy turned into tears streaming down her face.

“Madam, this is wonderful. Really wonderful! Congratulations. How… This is truly a joyous occasion. I’m so happy I’m crying. It’s silly… You’ve been through so much, Madam. You’re amazing!”

Jane, sobbing, poured out everything she wanted to say. Seeing Jane so overjoyed made a corner of Iren’s heart ache.

She was suddenly starkly reminded that she received threats instead of congratulations from Lahart.

A shadow fell slightly on Iren’s face.

“I had a dream a few days ago! Madam, you were holding a white fluffy ball and smiling brightly. It was cute, but I was so curious about what it actually was. I never imagined I would find out like this.”

“A fluffy ball? Sounds cute.”

“Right? Whether it’s a prince or princess, they’ll be much cuter! Oh, have you told the Duke? You must have, right? What did he say? He must be happy, it’s his child after all?”

The shadow on Iren’s face deepened. Jane sensed an ominous atmosphere and anxiously grabbed her hand. Iren’s hand was cold and damp with sweat.

“Don’t tell me the Duke… said something bad?”

“He doesn’t want the child. No, it’s more than that. If we have the child… then.”

Iren couldn’t continue. She couldn’t bear to say out loud that the father of her child had threatened to kill it.

It was an utterly devastating feeling. She felt like being stabbed in the heart would hurt less than this.

“…He said he’d kill the child.”

“…What? Oh my god…!”

Jane covered her mouth in shock. It instantly washed away the joy brought by the news of her pregnancy. Her head felt like it had been forcefully struck.

Jane hugged Iren again, and Iren hugged her back. Without knowing who started it, they both burst into tears.

“Poor Madam… What am I going to do with our poor Madam? Oh my goodness… How could he be so terrible… That man must be insane. It’s clear he’s lost his mind! Otherwise, how could he say such things!”

“He doesn’t know yet that I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him properly just in case.”

“You did well! This can’t go on any longer. I didn’t say anything because he’s someone you love… but that man is not in his right mind. You must run away from him, Madam.”

When Iren quietly nodded, Jane spoke firmly.

“We have to leave this damned castle, leave Sirencia. Only then can you truly live. I’ve always thought so. If you stay like this, you might end up dried up like those trees. It’s actually for the best. You think so too, right?”

“Yes. I’ve come to clearly understand that he doesn’t love me. So, I will leave with the child.”

“Of course. You should. I’ll help you with anything I can!”

Jane rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at Iren. Her eyes, sparkling with vitality and will, seemed to say to Iren,

It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Your choice wasn’t wrong. Anyone would make this choice.

“Jane, I’m sorry. To think that I’ve caused you to be imprisoned because of me, and now I’m going ask you for another favor… I have no face to show you.”

“Oh, what are you saying, really. Did I tell you about Herald? Because I was imprisoned, I became friends with Herald. Otherwise, how could a maid like me have started a conversation with a knight? It’s all thanks to you, Madam. Helping you this time will surely lead to something good. Definitely.”

Jane winked. She knew she was bringing up Herald to alleviate her guilt. Iren was simply grateful for Jane.

“Thank you. Really, thank you.”

“My ears are going to grow calluses. Stop saying that and quickly tell me. You have a plan, right?”

At Jane’s question, Iren slowly nodded.

“Don’t be too shocked when you hear it.”

“Don’t worry. My heart already dropped earlier, so there’s no heart left to be shocked!”

“I’m going to die.”

Jane, who had been lively joking, froze.

Seeing Jane’s eyes, lost and wavering, Iren reaffirmed as if making a vow,

“Only by dying can I escape from him.”

* * *

After telling Jane about her pregnancy, Iren completed the antidote. Throughout the process of cutting, grinding, and boiling the herbs, she sincerely wished for Lahart’s recovery.

She no longer loved him. Her wish for his recovery stemmed from the lingering guilt inside her and her desire to make up for a mistake made 10 years ago.

The completed antidote was a clear and pure white liquid. It matched Lahart very well.

Iren sealed the antidote in a small glass bottle.

With this, I owe you nothing. No obligations or promises remain.

Next, Iren headed to Hilda’s farm.

She left the castle without Lahart’s permission. Since she had the excuse of inspecting the site, the knights couldn’t stop her.

Hilda warmly welcomed Iren, who hadn’t visited in a long time.

“You were unwell, Madam. Oh dear, your face has become so thin. As if you weren’t thin enough already. What brings you here?”

“I’m sorry. I should have come sooner, but various situations delayed me. Is Brown okay?”

“There’s no reason for him not to be okay. He’s bursting with energy, meddling in this house and that.”

“I thought it was strange that I couldn’t see Brown and Michel… They must have gone to help another farm. They’re kind-hearted.”

“Kind-hearted my foot. They just leave our own fields to fend for themselves.”

“Brown, Michel, Hilda, you’re all kind-hearted.”

Without this kind couple, she wouldn’t have been able to endure the cold life in Sirencia.

Iren suddenly realized that despite coming here every spring, she had never properly looked around the house.

Thinking it might be the last time, she kept thinking about catching up on things she hadn’t done, and things hadn’t been able to do. She thought she had left no lingering feelings for Sirencia.