CATIP 09

CHAPTER 09

129, 128, 127…….

Just like the secondhand of a clock ticking mercilessly away, the time left on the brand carved into the back of my neck shrank without pity.

It was around this time that he asked me about the ‘stigma.’

– I heard a prophecy was handed down.

Holding me as he always did at the end of the day, he asked.

I wondered what this time meant to him.

And what it meant to me.

At the same time, even if it meant absolutely nothing, I prayed that my distant relationship with him would last forever.

Because my reality, which deemed even this a luxury, was far too cruel.

– Yes.

At my brief reply, he, lingering in the shadows, gazed at me silently.

His broad, bronze shoulders were bathed in the moonlight filtering through the clouds.

A heavy silence descended. Leaning against the cold moonlight, he did nothing but stare at me.

– And?

How much time had passed like that?

– Do you have nothing else to say?

At his final question, my lips parted.

In truth, what I could say to explain the ‘stigma’ was incredibly simple.

‘It is a prophecy of my death. My God has abandoned me.’

But why was it so hard to speak that reality aloud?

– That…….

Just as I summoned the courage to answer, I saw his eyes.

Even in the darkness, his gaze held me with unwavering intensity.

That ice-cold gaze spoke the harsh truth to me.

I was scared, and I was afraid.

Of the words I would hear from him once he learned the truth.

Just as my mother’s end was worth a single coin, and just as I couldn’t even mourn her death properly.

My own end would likely be no different.

– Yes, that is so.

Ah, Largo.

I simply wanted to deny my reality.

But no matter how much I struggled, no matter how much I wanted to believe it was all a dream.

Only the reality I desperately wished to deny unfolded before my eyes.

Cruelly, there was no future for me.

– Why?

His lips twisted roughly.

– I don’t understand why I must hear about your affairs only after the fact.

Was he angry again?

A gaze that had sunk deeper and quieter than usual reproached me.

Under normal circumstances, I would have quietly bowed my head, but a strange stubbornness flared up inside me.

I wondered what the point of any of this was.

Since death was all that remained for me anyway.

– Is there any reason Your Highness must be the first to know?

– Just what do you take me for?

His voice came cold.

To me, it sounded like a sentence delivered by a dying autumn. A sentence hinting at the harsh winter that would soon arrive.

– The master of the grand duchy, my master, and my one and only husband.

– Ah, yes. Husband.

He chewed over my words softly.

– Do you even think of me as your husband?

– And you, Your Highness—have you ever once thought of me as your wife?

– ……Ha.

At my sharp retort, he merely let out a dumbfounded laugh.

Then, he coldly stood up, showing me his ice-cold back, just as he always did.

Taking a step, he swung his legs out of the bed. Thud. The sound of his weight hitting the floor seemed to ring exceptionally loud.

He spat out one last word.

– I have never seen someone as cold-hearted as you.

The sound of him walking away from my side brushed past my ears like the coldest wind in the world.

*Creak.* The sound of the door opening and closing echoed sorrowfully.

The faint light leaking in from the hallway vanished like dust.

You did not look back. Not even once.

In the empty bedroom, I felt entirely abandoned in the darkness.

Why act surprised now?

A strange feeling washed over me, and I murmured blankly.

I had always been alone; there was no reason to seek the meaning of togetherness now.

Yet, staring at the draft he left in his wake, my lips parted.

I reached out to touch it, but my hand only grasped the empty air in vain.

There was so much I wanted to tell him, but none of it could form into words.

I didn’t know what to say.

Only.

Left all alone, unable to accept reality as reality, I watched the time slip away.

* * *

126, 125, and 124 days.

‘Endless love and mercy reside here. May God bestow His grace upon His faithful servant.’

Sitting before the piano as I always did, reciting the prayer, I suddenly lifted my head.

A divine statue with a benevolent face was looking down at me.

Was it my imagination that the pure white marble statue seemed to beckon to me?

The slightly parted lips of the statue seemed to move.

As if telling me to come to Him, to be embraced in His grace-filled arms.

Whispering that if I did, I would forget all physical and mental suffering, forget my anguish and sorrow, and find eternal peace.

It felt as though it was whispering those very words.

– O God.

Only my faintly murmured, blankly whispered voice remained in the empty temple.

I did nothing as time slipped by. It wasn’t as if I had attained some sudden, lightning-like enlightenment.

My tangled thoughts still prevented me from truly being myself.

But just as there is no meaning to life, there is none to death either.

Just as humans do not seek the meaning of their birth but simply announce their arrival into the world with a cry, there is no reason to seek meaning in death.

With this sudden realization, something inside me slowly began to fall into place.

They say that when death approaches, animals go to hide where no one can find them before drawing their last breath, while humans begin to put their affairs in order.

I was the same.

I didn’t have much to put in order, for such was my life.

Yet, there was one thing. Just one thing that caught in my chest.

My relationship with you, which had become so sorrowfully tangled somewhere along the way.
Only his unforgettable face faintly lingered in my mind.

Standing at the end of the world, what was I supposed to do with you?
How should I have delivered the news of my life’s end?
And what would you whisper to me when you heard the news?
Why did I ponder, agonize over, and fear your words so much?
Even though I didn’t know the reason behind the questions rising within me, I still found myself imagining only your response.

Yet, no matter how much I thought, thought, and thought again.
I could not picture a single word from you.

You were the only existence I couldn’t put in order myself, the only one I couldn’t put into words.
What did I think of you? And what did you think of me?
Just as you asked, had we ever truly considered each other husband and wife?
The undefined things between him and me always left me in confusion.

– ……망.

Suddenly, the stigma on the back of my neck throbbed. It burned as if seared by fire.
Striken by the illusion that God was speaking to me, I looked up at the statue with distant eyes.
I had nothing to ask, nor did I have any words prepared.
Yet, a sorrowful voice spilled from my lips on its own.

– Why… me?

Though I had never once doubted my faith.
Only a bitter resentment poured out of me.
Once the words broke loose, they began to spill out in a stream of thoughts I hadn’t even intended to voice.

– Both those who listen and those who recite are walking through the twilight of their lives, waiting only for the day they are embraced by God… Wouldn’t they, instead, want to know when their final day will be?

The infinitely selfish words forced their way past my lips, echoing through the empty temple.
If those of advanced years truly knew when their lives would end, wouldn’t they be able to spend their remaining days more brilliantly than I?
My vision blurred.

– You chose me across generations… Why, already…
Why do You wish to take me away so soon?

The words I couldn’t bring myself to utter crumbled sorrowfully inside my mouth.
God merely continued to look down at me with His unchanging, merciful face.
As I sought an answer that would never come, a tear fell from my cheek.

* * *

That night, I spoke to him when he came to visit me, as he did without fail.

– I wish to return to the kingdom now.

Perhaps the best I could do was not to die by your side.
Only then did it feel like I could avoid all the things I feared and dreaded.
As he stared at me, his face twisted harshly.

– ……Say that again.
– Please send me back to my homeland. I would rather live as an illegitimate princess of the kingdom than as the Grand Duchess.

The frown on his face did not ease for a long time.
The lamplight flickered faintly. Blue veins bulged on the back of his tightly clenched hand.

– Are you…

His voice, spat out low, remained deeply subdued.
I looked up at him, blinking once.

– …speaking of a farewell?

I nodded.
At that, his voice, letting out a scoffing laugh, grew even more vicious.

– You want a divorce?